The One I Didn’t Want to Write

26books.3951xI gave up on moving forward because that meant something gets left behind. I decided to  just move.

Yes, it’s been awhile. I started this blog almost a year ago, with the intention of commenting on the events I saw happening around us. You should have heard from me at least twice a week, but it’s been almost nine months.

I thought of picking up again without any explanation.  Because explanations have a nasty way of sounding like excuses. And anyone who knows me, knows my zero tolerance for excuses. Just get the job done.

My readers supported me through my silence and continued to check in on me. Thank you. You deserve more than a new post, you deserve an explanation. Or as much as I detest this-an excuse.

After a long illness, my mother died on June 11th. My sisters and I expected it, but also didn’t. Together we helped Dad plan the funeral. He continued his independent life-86 year-old and living successfully on his own. We were happy to notice he started to tolerate the extra attention we forced on him.

He downplayed his health problems, but he began to need more attention.  At the end of September he attended my birthday party, and  he sat in my backyard celebrating with a cheeseburger. A month later  he was diagnosed with Stage 4 pancreatic cancer. He died November 3rd. My sisters and I thank God his heart gave out before the cancer caused him too much pain.

We planned another funeral. We packed up their home. It sold, and we closed on it this week.

I went to work, continued school, leaned on my family and friends, and a part of my life stopped. I kept up writing for school, but I stopped thinking about this blog. Well, not completely. I knew I’d be back.

I wanted to write  a beautiful memorial to them; I know how to do that. I thought writing one would help put it all behind me.

I kept putting it off. I’m struggled to find the words to acknowledge the fact they are gone, but still next to me. Or maybe I’m not ready to see the words. So instead of waiting to move forward, I’m going to just move.

It helps that  my year hasn’t been consumed with sadness. Life does go on thanks to my patient husband, sisters, and friends. And wine.  Our families celebrated weddings, birthdays, and holidays. In other words, I ate a lot of cake! It’s different, but it’s good. We are okay. And I’m learning to make room for  a grayer area in my life; a place for excuses.

I still don’t have the words to properly memorialize  Mom and Dad , but I am ready to write.

 

 

 

 

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One response to “The One I Didn’t Want to Write

  1. Beautiful…I feel your pain and got tears in my eyes because I know who you are and thinking about my own parents being gone…they’re physically gone but I know their spirits are with us…Keep writing…we need to hear good things from a wonderful woman….especially now a days.

    Like

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